suddenly things look bad

With a simple comment, S started my brain into a downward spiral.

I’ve been busy with work this past week. Working long days and mainly focusing on that. My Dad has been harassing me about calling my Grandfather, something I’ve planned on doing today. (He’s going to call me back, in fact). I didn’t get back to my Dad and he ended up writing me this email:

Subject: So Now Your Not Talking To Me?

Email: I guess you still can’t handle a little bone in your chicken. Later. Love and Peace – Dad.

Why did he write that? I’m fucking busy. I don’t have time to sit and shoot the shit with my Grandfather. Or my Dad. I’m dealing with my own bullshit. With work, friends, doctors, S – it’s just so much right now. I can’t work things out with my Family too.

Maybe, I’m taking advantage of them. That they’ll always be there. I’m not sure. A part of me – blames what happened to me on them. That’s bullshit. But, I know how I feel. And I wonder why I put myself in such a position. Why I felt the need to run to any guy who’d show me a bit of affection – why I’d continue to put myself in – harm’s way.

My Dad is so judgmental. So am I. And I’m realizing how awful that makes people feel. I don’t want to be judged. I just want to be loved. That sounds so – boring. And trite. And stupid. But, I think right now – I just don’t need that. I don’t need my Dad to remind me that – hey – maybe I don’t want to eat chicken off the bones. Maybe, I want a simpler life. Maybe, I don’t want to be stressed out that every time I get sick – it could mean something worse.

Maybe, I just want to live my life and have the simple life. And if I can choose between bones or no bones – fuck it – I’m going no bones. Why make life – more complicated. He acts like I’m just some lazy guy who can’t handle adversity. Well, fuck him. He has NO idea what I’m going through.

Or what sort of pain and frustration, I deal with. And work through. I’m a strong person. I try to be. And if I fucking slip up – if I just don’t want to deal with something, that doesn’t make me weak. I’m just tired.

And frustrated.

And now, S is showing me fear. Fear that maybe he’s infected. “I just don’t understand how you got it.” I’m afraid. He’s afraid. And fear will tear us apart. And being torn apart is the last thing I need. I want a fucking boneless chicken relationship. I don’t need to pick and choose the good parts. I just want to bite into it –

And enjoy every last piece.

But, maybe that’s just asking for too much.