two twenty eight

the journal of a positive person

Posts Tagged ‘Relationship

The End

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Today, me and S said goodbye.  I was nasty.  And evil.  And hateful to him for leaving me.  He tried to take the high road, but I didn’t let him. And I lost him.  Forever.


I feel completely alone again.


Written by twotwentyeight

May 18, 2008 at 4:17 pm

Posted in Relationship

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S Goes In

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Today, S is getting tested.  He tested before (negative) but now, he’s going to know if being with me has given him – what we now call – high five.  I’m am certain that the choices I made as a younger, more foolish guy, kept me unsafe.  I feel our practices of understanding, safe sex, and logic have and will continue to keep him clean and healthy.

However, there is a moment, where I take breath.  And wonder.  Because, risk is always risk.  If this moment comes.  If – becomes + how I or he should and will act.  

I’m not sure.

Instead, I wait.  And remember that being optimistic is just as important as being rational.  The worst of things are not in results, but in the reaction and consequences of those results.  

Another insecurity I have is – if S is negative.  He now has a clean get away.  An ability to say, I saved myself from disaster and now I can walk away safely.  I doubt this would happen.  There is much strength in our relationship, in our partnership.  But this is a fear.  A hesitation.  A moment to take breath – and wonder.

Is being with me the reward enough to risk your health?

That’s a daunting and rather troubling set of circumstances to be put under, incredibly horrifying and selfish and more than fantastic wonders – I’d rather not deal with.  Or think about.  I just hope for his health.  For his safety, for his happiness.

Between us, we say.  ODAT.  One Day At a Time.

And that’s the best fucking advice, I’ve got.

Written by twotwentyeight

April 23, 2008 at 9:11 am

Posted in Relationship

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In two days, I get the results.

Today, I went in for my first doctor’s visit.  My doctor’s name is Carlos.  He was nice.  A small personality as he seemed more interested in being a good doctor than being a good friend.  I enjoyed him.  Being my first visit, I had to spend about half hour answering questions about my sexuality, my past, my travels, my shot records, my being molested (or just giving him the fact that I was), and basically telling him everything that’s happened to me.

I then got my very first prostate exam.


I also got my first cock exam.  With a light and gloves.  It was very – frightening.  Everything looks good.  I’m a healthy boy.  I’m 5’9″.  I weight 146 pounds.  The nurse than took my blood.  And boy – did she take alot.  I suppose I’m getting my – baseline.  My viral load.  My CD4 count.  My cholesterol.  My liver functions.  My kidneys.  And what seemed to be tons of other things.  Hepetitis.   Diabetes.

It’s sort of frightening.  All these things could come back bad.  Could come back – negative.  As in – bad.

I have my results to go over on the 31st.  Just a few days over one month from being diagnosed but in two days, the big numbers.  How much of the virus is there and how weak is my immune system.   I can only hope for the best.  If not – I go on medicine.  This won’t be the worst thing in the universe, but I’d rather just be healthy.  I’d rather deal with medicine when I’m in my 30s.  Or fuck – why not my 40s.

I could be lucky.

Or, I could not be.

S gets back tomorrow.  I’m so fucking excited.  I’m nervous.  I’m scared.  I hope we can work out.  I hope we can function together as a couple.  I’m afraid of the fear that is between us.  It’s only going to work – one day at a time.  Moving at a pace that feels right.  Tonight, he told me things I didn’t think he would.  It settled my soul a bit.  He’s afraid but wants to push on.

I just want to make sure he’s open.  And honest.  I don’t want him to be afraid of me.  That, I think, is my greatest fear.

I conqured my throat.  I’ve got a couple of canker sores in my mouth – but nothing out of the ordinary.  I always get them.  When I’m stressed.  And well, I have a bit of an excuse to be stressed right now.  I think knowing that will make them go away faster.  I mean, if the best my body’s got right now is to give me a bunch of plain ol’ canker sores – fuck, I’m fit as a fiddle.

(until Wednesday).

Written by twotwentyeight

March 17, 2008 at 8:47 pm