two twenty eight

the journal of a positive person

Archive for April 2008

S Goes In

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Today, S is getting tested.  He tested before (negative) but now, he’s going to know if being with me has given him – what we now call – high five.  I’m am certain that the choices I made as a younger, more foolish guy, kept me unsafe.  I feel our practices of understanding, safe sex, and logic have and will continue to keep him clean and healthy.

However, there is a moment, where I take breath.  And wonder.  Because, risk is always risk.  If this moment comes.  If – becomes + how I or he should and will act.  

I’m not sure.

Instead, I wait.  And remember that being optimistic is just as important as being rational.  The worst of things are not in results, but in the reaction and consequences of those results.  

Another insecurity I have is – if S is negative.  He now has a clean get away.  An ability to say, I saved myself from disaster and now I can walk away safely.  I doubt this would happen.  There is much strength in our relationship, in our partnership.  But this is a fear.  A hesitation.  A moment to take breath – and wonder.

Is being with me the reward enough to risk your health?

That’s a daunting and rather troubling set of circumstances to be put under, incredibly horrifying and selfish and more than fantastic wonders – I’d rather not deal with.  Or think about.  I just hope for his health.  For his safety, for his happiness.

Between us, we say.  ODAT.  One Day At a Time.

And that’s the best fucking advice, I’ve got.

Written by twotwentyeight

April 23, 2008 at 9:11 am

Posted in Relationship

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Day Two

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Again, this morning, I wet the bed.  Last night, I had to go but forgot – and because I’m sleeping so deeply now, I just slept right through it.  Ruining again a perfectly beautiful Saturday morning.  S was still cool about it.  Still amazing.

And it’s beginning to wear on me.  As if, some how, I don’t deserve it.  I feel like someone is testing him through me and feel trapped in the middle between this karma and him.  I kept saying, while he slept that this is just too much.  Too much for me to really deal with.  I sometimes feeling like crawling in the corner.

Written by twotwentyeight

April 19, 2008 at 3:48 pm

Posted in HIV

The Rhythm of Normalcy

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As time passes, normalcy sets in.  All things are this way.  When the sun sets, I get tired.  And if I leave the curtains open, when the sun rises, I wake up.  My diet, mostly vegan, is pretty normal to me.  It’s strange then to go home where being “vegan” is weird and leftist.  

My homosexuality is now normal.  In a way, I never imagined.  Being with S, really makes me feel normal.  I take a pill at night, along with a daily vitamin.  And that now, is starting to feel normal.  Just something I have to make sure I do. 

I’m very afraid of skipping a dose.  As that can cause mutation and resistance.  Something, I’m deadly afraid of.  I’m muscle sore today from my work out yesterday – it feels good.  Although, my intake of food has increased, so, I feel I’m destined to keep this belly flab.  

On a different note, I find it wonderful that music is so mathematical.  Today, I read that two minutes and forty two seconds is a perfect length for a pop song.  Michelle from the Beatles and about 30 songs from my iTunes library are now in a playlist.

I’m enjoying it so far.  

I recently saw this:

 

This is video following a lioness who had been raised by a trainer and then reintroduced into the wild.  After a few years, they reunite to wonderous and beautiful affections of love.  Such a grand display of the unusual and awesome.  

How the Earth just loves us.  Even the most of vicious.

To S’s dismissal, there was a small part of me that felt guilty for trying so desperately to kill the virus inside me.  He told me not to personify the virus – but for some reason, I have.  Of course, that’s a silly thought and getting rid of the virus in anyway is good.  

But it was a strange sensation to feel guilt.  For hating something.  Something that would destroy me.  Like the lion here and his friendly and caregiving friend, a man.

Written by twotwentyeight

April 18, 2008 at 11:02 am

Posted in Daily Life

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Taking The Future (with the Present)

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As things stand now, I’m pretty healthy.  I’ve finished taking all my medications, now I’m down to my single pill a day (well, I take another one for preventing pneumonia & I take a daily multi-vitamin), but it’s just once a day that I have to think about – taking pills.

And the pneumonia pill should go away once my CD4 count goes up a meager 66 points.  

Besides that, I feel asymptomatic.  I have a cold sore, no big deal (just kind of gross and annoying).  My throat feels – great.  My tongue – red and pink and wonderful.  My teeth, never felt cleaner.  Friends I haven’t seen in a while come up to me and tell me how fit I look.  Not trim.  But fit.  

The gym is working out.  

My side effects have practically dissipated.  I do have to follow the rules: no food after 9, pill at 11.  I try to make that a habit.  It’s not a hard one to follow.  It’s now a part of my life.  

This weekend, I was creative again.  I shot some footage, I made myself feel – normal.  Things are falling into normalcy.  Last night, I was faced with the future.  S is contemplating his future.  And the risk he puts himself in by being with me.  

By being intimate.  

We always play safe.  And we don’t even go near things that even remotely sound – unsafe.  We don’t kiss, intimately.  And definitely nothing further than that.  We’ve enjoyed our time – but the tension grows between us to further it…

I love my boy.  My friend.  And my partner.  I want nothing but happiness for him.  But I feel that maybe, we’re looking too far into the future.  Does a relationship like this really sustain itself?  He is a few years younger than me and feels like he wants to cherish his health, his youth.  

He doesn’t want to feel like his putting himself at risk.

Even though, the ways we play and will continue to play will, in my opinion, be safer than driving your car.  “I have to drive my car…” he says.  You’re right.  Risk is a strange thing.  You’re more likely to die in your car than a plane.  

But aren’t more people afraid to fly than drive?

How do you change a perspective from fear to logic?  And, as we discussed last night, is it even a bad thing?  Is it really that big a deal that people are scared to fly?  Or scared of a spider bite?  Or dying of AIDS?  Isn’t it our nature to fear things.

Even with knowledge.  

He knows he could get into an accident.  Break bones.  Paralyze himself.  He knows there is a rare, 1 in millions chance, that he could contract HIV through french kissing.  But to this day, we drive but don’t kiss. And there’s nothing I can do but be patient and grateful.  Eternally grateful that I have a caring, wonderful, beautiful human to call on.  To hold onto.  To call my friend.  My partner.

Intimacy comes in waves.  And now, I play in the shallow waters.  The waves don’t go to high.  A sprinkle.  A dash.  We may float out into the sea but that’s not something I really have to worry about now.  For now, the fresh water against my knees is wonderful.

And I believe things are ever changing.

Written by twotwentyeight

April 14, 2008 at 11:51 am

Posted in Being Scared, Relationship

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side effects (atripla)

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I’ve been on Atripla now for 5 days.  I went to the doctor’s on Monday and based on my numbers decided that I start on medication.  He asked if I wanted to participate in research.  That would have lasted another week before I started.  My selfish inner child said – fuck that, I need my medicine.  I can’t go into research, if I’m feeling so crappy and got 6,209,850 little viruses running around every mL of my blood!

I turned it down.  And felt guilty.

I then went home and took my first pill that night.  In the morning, I woke up and felt dizzy.  Drunk.  Sitting at the office (at work) makes it worse.  Maybe it’s because I don’t want to be there or that I’m bored.  I need to be working and watching this television show, but I can’t because instead my DVD player has decided not to work.  I feel a little behind myself.  My brain isn’t functioning at full capacity.  I feel like everything is in battle mode.  My cells and blood is battling the monster inside me.  Reducing numbers, making my body better. My lips feel better.  The thrush in my mouth feels better.

I did get this zit on my eye lid which (thank god) didn’t fully form, but has given me a bit of a headache today.  I never been this – aware of my body.  This attentive to every itch and scratch and sore and ache.  I always knew that our bodies fight constantly various viruses, bacteria, fungi, etc.  Now, it feels like my brain is part of the process.  That I have to actively be a part of that process.

Instead of allowing my immune system to do all the work.

It’s both humiliating and humbling.  Over the past weeks, I’ve seen my body as more and more of a temple.  A breathing, mortal work of art.  It demands my attention and I have to give it everything I can.  I’ve been trying to go to the gym more often and I even had a personal trainer.

On Thursday, when I woke up I felt especially drunk.  I thought I could – power through – my workout.  That was stupid.  I passed out – everything was fine and I ended my session soon.  It’s hard to concentrate.  I keep battling whether or not I should just go in and tell my boss and either quit, or figure some way to work from home.  I know I should just stick it out.  This is a good (and easy) job that I won’t have if I start making a big mess over feeling a bit dizzy.

In theory, I’m supposed to just feel this for the next week or so.  I want my body to fucking get over it.  But I think I again, keep pushing it further than I should.  My eye hurts like hell!

Things are getting better.

Just need to breathe.

In.

And out.

Deep.  Calm.  Breaths.

Written by twotwentyeight

April 4, 2008 at 10:48 am

Posted in health

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