two twenty eight

the journal of a positive person

Posts Tagged ‘testing

Numbers

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Today, I got my viral load back.  610.  610 from 6,209,850.  

 

Wow.

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Written by twotwentyeight

June 6, 2008 at 8:20 am

Posted in HIV

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S Goes In

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Today, S is getting tested.  He tested before (negative) but now, he’s going to know if being with me has given him – what we now call – high five.  I’m am certain that the choices I made as a younger, more foolish guy, kept me unsafe.  I feel our practices of understanding, safe sex, and logic have and will continue to keep him clean and healthy.

However, there is a moment, where I take breath.  And wonder.  Because, risk is always risk.  If this moment comes.  If – becomes + how I or he should and will act.  

I’m not sure.

Instead, I wait.  And remember that being optimistic is just as important as being rational.  The worst of things are not in results, but in the reaction and consequences of those results.  

Another insecurity I have is – if S is negative.  He now has a clean get away.  An ability to say, I saved myself from disaster and now I can walk away safely.  I doubt this would happen.  There is much strength in our relationship, in our partnership.  But this is a fear.  A hesitation.  A moment to take breath – and wonder.

Is being with me the reward enough to risk your health?

That’s a daunting and rather troubling set of circumstances to be put under, incredibly horrifying and selfish and more than fantastic wonders – I’d rather not deal with.  Or think about.  I just hope for his health.  For his safety, for his happiness.

Between us, we say.  ODAT.  One Day At a Time.

And that’s the best fucking advice, I’ve got.

Written by twotwentyeight

April 23, 2008 at 9:11 am

Posted in Relationship

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telling him

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When I got home from finding out, I didn’t want to be alone.

I asked K, my roommate’s girlfriend, to stay with me. I wasn’t affected. I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t sad. I felt nothing. I had to tell my boyfriend. I had to tell S about what I knew. About the future. So, K needed to go home to grab a few things for the night. She was going to spend the night with me and when she left, I paced the house.

My phone in hand.

I walked from one end of the house to the other, trying to form the words that would spell the end to our blossoming relationship. How do you tell someone that you’ve fucked everything up? Based on a previous self. I’ve changed since this happened to me and just because I’m infected now, doesn’t mean I deserve it now.

I made a mistake a year ago that’s spelling the end to our relationship.

I dialed and waited. He had been so happy. He was stuck out of the country on a job. Unable to see me until the 17th. He was so happy. We gave each other virtual hugs all day. We were sloppy in love and beginning to feel the edge of deep and fulfilling ever after. I was quiet.

“What’s wrong?”

And, with a pre-speech about how I never lied to him. How I never wanted to hurt him. I told him. And things drew quiet. He repeated “oh my god.” He repeated my name. Digging deep into my heart. Tearing it apart. I expected him to hang up. To suddenly shut me out. Think of me as the dirty, horrible person I felt I was.

He just broke down.

I felt his fear. “I’m so scared.” For a moment, he believed maybe he could have infected me. I told him that’s crazy. He wanted to know about my past. How did I get it? “I’m so scared.” He laughed a few times. “I don’t believe it.” He just wanted to get tested. I was silent. Unemotional. “Why are you so calm?” I tried to talk. Or make sense. Or understand why the fuck I wasn’t crying. Or crawling into a ball and hiding. Why I wasn’t just grabbing for a bottle of pills. Why I didn’t feel anything.

We talked for an hour. Mostly rambled. Nothing more than exchanging fear. Me comforting him. Him telling me sorry for reacting this way. How the fuck do you react? He hung up. K came back. We watched American Idol. The results show. I was able to concentrate and laugh. It was as if – nothing was real. My life was normal.

S called back.

I sat on my bed. He had told his manager and was going to get tested in the morning. 9 a.m. I listened to him as he walked through the snow. When he was silent, I could hear it crunch below him. I heard the cars pass. Sometimes, over powering the phone. He was crying. He laughed. He told me that he didn’t understand why I was so quiet.

I didn’t know.

We sat on the phone for another hour or so. Nothing working. I just told him that his life isn’t over, if he’s positive. I remember telling him, “it’s not a death sentence.” He had to take a shower. I went to bed.

K slept in the other room. I sort of used her. Telling her thank you for staying over. I went to bed. I fell asleep quickly. I remember having a dream about using someone’s phone. I tried to check my voice mail and realized that it wasn’t like my iPhone. I remember saying to them, “ah, you don’t have visual voicemail.” They sort of rolled their eyes at me.

I woke up.

It was 6 a.m. S wouldn’t know until for another five hours. I went back to sleep. I woke up again. It was 6:45 a.m. I tried to calculate again when he’d know. I went back to sleep. I woke up again every hour, recalculating how much time it would be.

Finally, I woke up. And got up. It was 9 a.m. He’d know in two hours.

I gathered through a various array of emotions. I wanted him to be safe. To be healthy. I didn’t want him to be burdened with this too. I don’t know how he would have taken it. And then, a part of me. This selfish, horrible part of me wanted him to have it too. If he had it, we could tackle it together. We could bond and stay together. I would be OK. And in someways, my life would remain the same.

He sent me a text message at 11:30.

:: clean. i love you ::

I am alone. And this is my burden.

Written by twotwentyeight

March 1, 2008 at 5:43 am

Posted in Relationship

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two twenty eight

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Today, I found out I am infected with Human Immunodeficiency Virus.

I tested positive. I took one swipe on my upper lip and one swipe to my lower lip with the OraQuick Rapid HIV Test and thirty minutes later, I was sat down –

And told it was reactive.

The test is 99.8% accurate and so I have to come back in one week to be confirmed. To be told, definitively, you are infected – and your life will completely change. Just a few minutes ago, I was laughing with my best friend’s girlfriend in the waiting room. We were gossiping about sex with our boyfriends. It was so casual. So friendly. Sex was this harmless act, both humiliating and embarrassing. Something romantic and silly.

Now it had led to a slow and silent killer.

The shock wore on quickly. Being sat down, he told me it was reactive. Reactive? Did that mean, positive? You mean? What does that mean? What do I do now? I’m going to lose my boyfriend. I have to tell him. Our perfect life is over. The normalcy and safety I felt in being me. In being normal. Being OK with my homosexuality is now gone. I’m now a statistic. An argument for the Right. Gay men get AIDS. I wanted to set a good example for my homosexuality. I wanted to be a positive role model for those around me.

I wanted to be a good person.

And now, I feel – dirty. Humiliated. Disgusting. Ridiculous. A slut. Stupid. Angry. Frustrated. Embarrassed. Disappointed. Sad. Hurt. Sore. I feel every part of my body and wonder if that’s the virus. Is the itch on my back really the beginning of something worse? Do I have a headache because I’m about to feel something worse? Was that cough I had a month ago something worse? How am I going to die now?

How am I going to die?

I’m fucking twenty six years old and now I have a mortality. I’m supposed to live forever. I’m supposed to be the wild one. Who lives on naked wings. Who breathes in death’s cold breath. And laughs. And kicks and punches and defies my own disaster.

No longer.

I own my own mortality. The decisions I make are life decisions.

The future is dark and lonely. And finite. And even though this is true for everyone – I was fucking told today. I was told to my face.

I am going to die.

Written by twotwentyeight

February 28, 2008 at 7:43 pm

Posted in HIV

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