two twenty eight

the journal of a positive person

Archive for July 2008

Asking For Something (I Can’t)

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In being a bit cryptic, I want something.  And I feel, basically, like I can’t ask for it.  That I don’t deserve it.  And because I already know the answer and can understand that answer, in fact 100% respect that answer, it doesn’t make it any easier to believe that the need or desire for this something will lessen.

It’s begun to seep into me a bit and I’m trying to work through it before bringing it up.  Or talking about it with respectable parties.  There are so many good things in my life right now.  So many positives (no pun needed).  That, I feel a little foolish thinking that I need more.  That my life really wants to be fulfilled even more by such an artificial, simple (and dangerous) act.

This past 5 months have been pretty incredible.  And I think I’m one of the luckiest ones to contract HIV.  Not that anyone would be lucky but, I’m healthy, I’ve got good friends, an amazing partner.  I could lose a few pounds off my stomach, but I’m still working out, I’ve got a steady stream of income (for the time being).  I’m doing really well for myself.

In fact, I feel down right perfect.

And then, my brain just wants to ask for more – just one more thing to make things even better.  I realize that I’m just – too needy perhaps.  Or maybe, what I want isn’t that terrible.  Maybe, what I want is natural and it’s just something I’m going to have to deal with.

I once tried to relate my sexuality to Broccoli & Chocolate Cake.  I thought being with a woman was like eating broccoli and being with a guy was like chocolate cake.  Sure, the cake tastes better, but isn’t good for you.  And vice versa.

Of course this was ridiculous logic.

I’m not relating these new needs and desires in the same way.  And, I tend to call myself a fat kid.  I just can’t help myself when it comes to cake.  Although, nowadays, broccoli is just as tasty.  And, I wish that cake just wasn’t completely off my table.

I’m just wondering where I am.  And how far I’ll go.

Written by twotwentyeight

July 25, 2008 at 9:32 am

Posted in Relationship

It’s Been A While

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I’ve been incredibly busy, being creative and doing things that have nothing to do with feeling sick, dying or unhealthy.  I’m glad I spent a few more dollars on keeping my fitness trainer – he’s kept me from dropping off that map.

I have gained my weight back in a way I’m just really sick to see.  I don’t think I’m fat.  And I’m also gaining muscle just as much as fat but I just don’t have that nice build that I really want.  Frankly, I don’t really make it easy on myself – with too much fast food, large portions and terrible eating habits all around.

I hope that I’ll continue to work on this and hopefully, someday, I’ll get to transform myself into a better bigger me… (we shall see).

I’m excited to see how my new numbers are, as I feel incredibly healthy – just like I did before this whole experience.  In fact, I sort of forget about it and there’s only once or twice a day that I’ll remember.  It feels so distant.  And so, un-me now.  If that makes sense.

I’ve also really connected with The Hulk.  I find that character incredibly personal… this monster inside that without careful consideration can destroy both yourself and others around you.  I’ve also been addicted to the video game which is well… addictive.

Written by twotwentyeight

July 18, 2008 at 10:55 am

Posted in Daily Life

Patterns Fade

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I’ve gotten into a bad habit of feeling – normal.  And by that I mean, that I’ve stop caring about what I eat.  I stopped going to the gym (on a regular basis).  And last night I almost forgot to take my medication until 3:30.  Almost 4 and half hours late.  

I’m exhausted.

I’ve also not worked in 4 weeks now.  Which is completely frightening because – well, rent will be due soon and I’ve got about 30 bucks to my name.  I’m sure I’ll get something and I’m sure my roommate may be able to help me out but putting my friends in such a position is just awful.  I’m holding out on a better job, I haven’t turned anything down but I’m also hoping that a few contact of mine get something that they’ll bring me on.  

I hope things work out.

This fear keeps me from really enjoying my time at Outfest.  The film festival my film is playing at.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to have a good time tomorrow.  Right now, I’m off to a DGA luncheon.  Hoping and wishing I felt a little more like a real director and not just a part time filmmaker.

I hate the fact that every film I make is for less and less money.  I’m not a producer.  I can’t make things happen.  (finacially).  I don’t have a viable voice.  But fuck, do I like telling stories and making films.  I feel in a spiral.  

However, I’m still shooting.  I’ve got this VHS film I’m working on now.  And hopefully, I’ll be able to have some more things in the works.  But nothing seems inevitable.  We shall see.

Written by twotwentyeight

July 11, 2008 at 9:35 am

Posted in Daily Life

Reality Means Reality

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It’s disheartening.  The reality of everyday life.  And when things get stuck in hyper-reality.  It’s hard to remember that things like relationships have feelings.  And there are everyday moments.  People do and don’t get along.  You are still a normal person.  

And you still realize that you can be hurt by someone.  And you push and pull like a rubber band trying to find that right moment.  That right tension of good vs. bad.  And then you realize.  You talk to other people.  Other friends.  And realize, you’re not as awful as you feel.

And then you realize, they feel the same way.  That somehow you’ve become a poison, not just in blood but in personality.  In speech.  You somehow have become someone who is venomous.  And wrong.  Your heart feels heavy.  You feel bad.  And guilty for being – yourself.

And they feel the same way.

You make them feel shitty.  Horrible.  Shitty.  Horrible.  They feel worthless.  How can someone you love be felt so violated.  So used and unwanted.  You’re gifts are showered with undermindedness.  With hidden motive and maliciousness.  You are a bad guy seeping into their happiness.

Even though you are their love.  Their one and only.

You have to cut it loose.  As hard and strong and horrible as it feels.  As much as your heart aches and pains and struggles.  You have to cut it loose.  You have to make yourself feel better – and in the end make them feel better.

And that’s the way of the universe.

And suddenly, reality means reality.  You are just normal.  This is just the regular.  And being positive doesn’t mean anything more than being human.  Or old.  Or young.  Or stupid.  I am.  

 

I am.

Written by twotwentyeight

July 3, 2008 at 12:45 am

Posted in Relationship

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