two twenty eight

the journal of a positive person

Posts Tagged ‘health

side effects (atripla)

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I’ve been on Atripla now for 5 days.  I went to the doctor’s on Monday and based on my numbers decided that I start on medication.  He asked if I wanted to participate in research.  That would have lasted another week before I started.  My selfish inner child said – fuck that, I need my medicine.  I can’t go into research, if I’m feeling so crappy and got 6,209,850 little viruses running around every mL of my blood!

I turned it down.  And felt guilty.

I then went home and took my first pill that night.  In the morning, I woke up and felt dizzy.  Drunk.  Sitting at the office (at work) makes it worse.  Maybe it’s because I don’t want to be there or that I’m bored.  I need to be working and watching this television show, but I can’t because instead my DVD player has decided not to work.  I feel a little behind myself.  My brain isn’t functioning at full capacity.  I feel like everything is in battle mode.  My cells and blood is battling the monster inside me.  Reducing numbers, making my body better. My lips feel better.  The thrush in my mouth feels better.

I did get this zit on my eye lid which (thank god) didn’t fully form, but has given me a bit of a headache today.  I never been this – aware of my body.  This attentive to every itch and scratch and sore and ache.  I always knew that our bodies fight constantly various viruses, bacteria, fungi, etc.  Now, it feels like my brain is part of the process.  That I have to actively be a part of that process.

Instead of allowing my immune system to do all the work.

It’s both humiliating and humbling.  Over the past weeks, I’ve seen my body as more and more of a temple.  A breathing, mortal work of art.  It demands my attention and I have to give it everything I can.  I’ve been trying to go to the gym more often and I even had a personal trainer.

On Thursday, when I woke up I felt especially drunk.  I thought I could – power through – my workout.  That was stupid.  I passed out – everything was fine and I ended my session soon.  It’s hard to concentrate.  I keep battling whether or not I should just go in and tell my boss and either quit, or figure some way to work from home.  I know I should just stick it out.  This is a good (and easy) job that I won’t have if I start making a big mess over feeling a bit dizzy.

In theory, I’m supposed to just feel this for the next week or so.  I want my body to fucking get over it.  But I think I again, keep pushing it further than I should.  My eye hurts like hell!

Things are getting better.

Just need to breathe.

In.

And out.

Deep.  Calm.  Breaths.

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Written by twotwentyeight

April 4, 2008 at 10:48 am

Posted in health

Tagged with , , ,

blood

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In two days, I get the results.

Today, I went in for my first doctor’s visit.  My doctor’s name is Carlos.  He was nice.  A small personality as he seemed more interested in being a good doctor than being a good friend.  I enjoyed him.  Being my first visit, I had to spend about half hour answering questions about my sexuality, my past, my travels, my shot records, my being molested (or just giving him the fact that I was), and basically telling him everything that’s happened to me.

I then got my very first prostate exam.

Eeek.

I also got my first cock exam.  With a light and gloves.  It was very – frightening.  Everything looks good.  I’m a healthy boy.  I’m 5’9″.  I weight 146 pounds.  The nurse than took my blood.  And boy – did she take alot.  I suppose I’m getting my – baseline.  My viral load.  My CD4 count.  My cholesterol.  My liver functions.  My kidneys.  And what seemed to be tons of other things.  Hepetitis.   Diabetes.

It’s sort of frightening.  All these things could come back bad.  Could come back – negative.  As in – bad.

I have my results to go over on the 31st.  Just a few days over one month from being diagnosed but in two days, the big numbers.  How much of the virus is there and how weak is my immune system.   I can only hope for the best.  If not – I go on medicine.  This won’t be the worst thing in the universe, but I’d rather just be healthy.  I’d rather deal with medicine when I’m in my 30s.  Or fuck – why not my 40s.

I could be lucky.

Or, I could not be.

S gets back tomorrow.  I’m so fucking excited.  I’m nervous.  I’m scared.  I hope we can work out.  I hope we can function together as a couple.  I’m afraid of the fear that is between us.  It’s only going to work – one day at a time.  Moving at a pace that feels right.  Tonight, he told me things I didn’t think he would.  It settled my soul a bit.  He’s afraid but wants to push on.

I just want to make sure he’s open.  And honest.  I don’t want him to be afraid of me.  That, I think, is my greatest fear.

I conqured my throat.  I’ve got a couple of canker sores in my mouth – but nothing out of the ordinary.  I always get them.  When I’m stressed.  And well, I have a bit of an excuse to be stressed right now.  I think knowing that will make them go away faster.  I mean, if the best my body’s got right now is to give me a bunch of plain ol’ canker sores – fuck, I’m fit as a fiddle.

(until Wednesday).

Written by twotwentyeight

March 17, 2008 at 8:47 pm