two twenty eight

the journal of a positive person

Posts Tagged ‘throat

blood

leave a comment »

In two days, I get the results.

Today, I went in for my first doctor’s visit.  My doctor’s name is Carlos.  He was nice.  A small personality as he seemed more interested in being a good doctor than being a good friend.  I enjoyed him.  Being my first visit, I had to spend about half hour answering questions about my sexuality, my past, my travels, my shot records, my being molested (or just giving him the fact that I was), and basically telling him everything that’s happened to me.

I then got my very first prostate exam.

Eeek.

I also got my first cock exam.  With a light and gloves.  It was very – frightening.  Everything looks good.  I’m a healthy boy.  I’m 5’9″.  I weight 146 pounds.  The nurse than took my blood.  And boy – did she take alot.  I suppose I’m getting my – baseline.  My viral load.  My CD4 count.  My cholesterol.  My liver functions.  My kidneys.  And what seemed to be tons of other things.  Hepetitis.   Diabetes.

It’s sort of frightening.  All these things could come back bad.  Could come back – negative.  As in – bad.

I have my results to go over on the 31st.  Just a few days over one month from being diagnosed but in two days, the big numbers.  How much of the virus is there and how weak is my immune system.   I can only hope for the best.  If not – I go on medicine.  This won’t be the worst thing in the universe, but I’d rather just be healthy.  I’d rather deal with medicine when I’m in my 30s.  Or fuck – why not my 40s.

I could be lucky.

Or, I could not be.

S gets back tomorrow.  I’m so fucking excited.  I’m nervous.  I’m scared.  I hope we can work out.  I hope we can function together as a couple.  I’m afraid of the fear that is between us.  It’s only going to work – one day at a time.  Moving at a pace that feels right.  Tonight, he told me things I didn’t think he would.  It settled my soul a bit.  He’s afraid but wants to push on.

I just want to make sure he’s open.  And honest.  I don’t want him to be afraid of me.  That, I think, is my greatest fear.

I conqured my throat.  I’ve got a couple of canker sores in my mouth – but nothing out of the ordinary.  I always get them.  When I’m stressed.  And well, I have a bit of an excuse to be stressed right now.  I think knowing that will make them go away faster.  I mean, if the best my body’s got right now is to give me a bunch of plain ol’ canker sores – fuck, I’m fit as a fiddle.

(until Wednesday).

Written by twotwentyeight

March 17, 2008 at 8:47 pm