two twenty eight

the journal of a positive person

One Week – Round Three

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In one week, it’ll be round three.

I’ll get my newest numbers.  And (cross my fingers), I’m hoping to be considered “undetectable.”  I had a dream that my CD4 count was 714.  And my VL was 84.  Which is low – but not undetectable.  Of course, I’m not a psychic so, I have no idea what to predict other than – eek… what should I expect!

I’ve been un-vegan for about 3 months and still trying to find the right balance of healthy eating.  I think I’m making up for 2 years of no pizza.  Or mac and cheese.  I of course, very predictably gained 10 pounds which I lose when I’m vegan.  I usually plateau at either 160 (un-vegan) or 150 (vegan).  It’s pretty boring really.

The fall is here and all the same feelings of creative juices are starting to flow.  I love the change in weather, it’s less than a month til my birthday and I think that it’s the reason I get so – or just feel so – amazing this time of year.  As if I’m recounting that feeling of being boring.  My first thoughts.  My first images of earth.

Of Minot.

I’m incredibly nostalgic now.  I love this time of year.

And hopefully in one week, it’ll also be a incredibly lucky one.

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Written by twotwentyeight

August 21, 2008 at 5:02 pm

Posted in Daily Life, health

Asking For Something (I Can’t)

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In being a bit cryptic, I want something.  And I feel, basically, like I can’t ask for it.  That I don’t deserve it.  And because I already know the answer and can understand that answer, in fact 100% respect that answer, it doesn’t make it any easier to believe that the need or desire for this something will lessen.

It’s begun to seep into me a bit and I’m trying to work through it before bringing it up.  Or talking about it with respectable parties.  There are so many good things in my life right now.  So many positives (no pun needed).  That, I feel a little foolish thinking that I need more.  That my life really wants to be fulfilled even more by such an artificial, simple (and dangerous) act.

This past 5 months have been pretty incredible.  And I think I’m one of the luckiest ones to contract HIV.  Not that anyone would be lucky but, I’m healthy, I’ve got good friends, an amazing partner.  I could lose a few pounds off my stomach, but I’m still working out, I’ve got a steady stream of income (for the time being).  I’m doing really well for myself.

In fact, I feel down right perfect.

And then, my brain just wants to ask for more – just one more thing to make things even better.  I realize that I’m just – too needy perhaps.  Or maybe, what I want isn’t that terrible.  Maybe, what I want is natural and it’s just something I’m going to have to deal with.

I once tried to relate my sexuality to Broccoli & Chocolate Cake.  I thought being with a woman was like eating broccoli and being with a guy was like chocolate cake.  Sure, the cake tastes better, but isn’t good for you.  And vice versa.

Of course this was ridiculous logic.

I’m not relating these new needs and desires in the same way.  And, I tend to call myself a fat kid.  I just can’t help myself when it comes to cake.  Although, nowadays, broccoli is just as tasty.  And, I wish that cake just wasn’t completely off my table.

I’m just wondering where I am.  And how far I’ll go.

Written by twotwentyeight

July 25, 2008 at 9:32 am

Posted in Relationship

It’s Been A While

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I’ve been incredibly busy, being creative and doing things that have nothing to do with feeling sick, dying or unhealthy.  I’m glad I spent a few more dollars on keeping my fitness trainer – he’s kept me from dropping off that map.

I have gained my weight back in a way I’m just really sick to see.  I don’t think I’m fat.  And I’m also gaining muscle just as much as fat but I just don’t have that nice build that I really want.  Frankly, I don’t really make it easy on myself – with too much fast food, large portions and terrible eating habits all around.

I hope that I’ll continue to work on this and hopefully, someday, I’ll get to transform myself into a better bigger me… (we shall see).

I’m excited to see how my new numbers are, as I feel incredibly healthy – just like I did before this whole experience.  In fact, I sort of forget about it and there’s only once or twice a day that I’ll remember.  It feels so distant.  And so, un-me now.  If that makes sense.

I’ve also really connected with The Hulk.  I find that character incredibly personal… this monster inside that without careful consideration can destroy both yourself and others around you.  I’ve also been addicted to the video game which is well… addictive.

Written by twotwentyeight

July 18, 2008 at 10:55 am

Posted in Daily Life

Patterns Fade

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I’ve gotten into a bad habit of feeling – normal.  And by that I mean, that I’ve stop caring about what I eat.  I stopped going to the gym (on a regular basis).  And last night I almost forgot to take my medication until 3:30.  Almost 4 and half hours late.  

I’m exhausted.

I’ve also not worked in 4 weeks now.  Which is completely frightening because – well, rent will be due soon and I’ve got about 30 bucks to my name.  I’m sure I’ll get something and I’m sure my roommate may be able to help me out but putting my friends in such a position is just awful.  I’m holding out on a better job, I haven’t turned anything down but I’m also hoping that a few contact of mine get something that they’ll bring me on.  

I hope things work out.

This fear keeps me from really enjoying my time at Outfest.  The film festival my film is playing at.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to have a good time tomorrow.  Right now, I’m off to a DGA luncheon.  Hoping and wishing I felt a little more like a real director and not just a part time filmmaker.

I hate the fact that every film I make is for less and less money.  I’m not a producer.  I can’t make things happen.  (finacially).  I don’t have a viable voice.  But fuck, do I like telling stories and making films.  I feel in a spiral.  

However, I’m still shooting.  I’ve got this VHS film I’m working on now.  And hopefully, I’ll be able to have some more things in the works.  But nothing seems inevitable.  We shall see.

Written by twotwentyeight

July 11, 2008 at 9:35 am

Posted in Daily Life

Reality Means Reality

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It’s disheartening.  The reality of everyday life.  And when things get stuck in hyper-reality.  It’s hard to remember that things like relationships have feelings.  And there are everyday moments.  People do and don’t get along.  You are still a normal person.  

And you still realize that you can be hurt by someone.  And you push and pull like a rubber band trying to find that right moment.  That right tension of good vs. bad.  And then you realize.  You talk to other people.  Other friends.  And realize, you’re not as awful as you feel.

And then you realize, they feel the same way.  That somehow you’ve become a poison, not just in blood but in personality.  In speech.  You somehow have become someone who is venomous.  And wrong.  Your heart feels heavy.  You feel bad.  And guilty for being – yourself.

And they feel the same way.

You make them feel shitty.  Horrible.  Shitty.  Horrible.  They feel worthless.  How can someone you love be felt so violated.  So used and unwanted.  You’re gifts are showered with undermindedness.  With hidden motive and maliciousness.  You are a bad guy seeping into their happiness.

Even though you are their love.  Their one and only.

You have to cut it loose.  As hard and strong and horrible as it feels.  As much as your heart aches and pains and struggles.  You have to cut it loose.  You have to make yourself feel better – and in the end make them feel better.

And that’s the way of the universe.

And suddenly, reality means reality.  You are just normal.  This is just the regular.  And being positive doesn’t mean anything more than being human.  Or old.  Or young.  Or stupid.  I am.  

 

I am.

Written by twotwentyeight

July 3, 2008 at 12:45 am

Posted in Relationship

Tagged with , , , ,

Coughing

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A few days ago, I started having an itchy throat.  It turned into a cough.  A bit of a flemmy cough.  I have been working my self pretty hard, going to the gym each day.  After getting such great news about my numbers, I took myself off – never do that – sulfamethoxazole-trimethoprim.  This is a pill I took once a day to prevent pneumonia.  You should take it when you are doing well (over cd4 count of 200) for 3 to 6 months.  I was over 200 for probably two weeks.

In any case, I got scared and started to taking it again.

Pills are scaring.  And relying on them to live is scarier.

Written by twotwentyeight

June 16, 2008 at 7:33 am

Posted in health

Tagged with

Dreamstate

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I was walking Hollywood Blvd. with my straight roommate.  I told him I wanted to get some gay porn for me and S.  We decided to go into a store.  I am usually extremely embarrassed to go in and buy any sort of adult toys, especially ones that clearly state that I am gay.  I was impressed however by my roommate’s clear indifference to going in a store with another guy and buying gay porn.  

He was also much more muscular than I remembered.

As we walked through the store it was set up like a long series of rooms, one door leading to the next.  Each room lead into a labyrinth of books and dvds.  However, as I started to seek out the gay porn section, I soon realized, I couldn’t find it.  There was a straight porn section.  And as I continued to look my roommate was actually S.  He was impressed by a room that was filled by many books.  He told me how he would come into these sorts of stores more often if he had known they were full of books.  I continued on alone, in search for the porn section.  It was as if I really needed it to get off.

I went into a room of porn, walls and walls.  I walked around and as I tried to look at each dvd title, my eyes were blurry.  I was having an extremely frustrating time forcing my eyes to focus on the titles.  I got to a section and saw that it said, NAB.  Which, I read at the time as NAMBLA or the Northern American Man Boy Love Association.  Something, I find incredibly disgusting.  I thought I found something, I pulled it out and it read as a DVD ROM.  Computers.  I was really frustrated. 

I walked into another room and there were cubicles and women with black rimmed glasses typing away, I thought I or they would say something about me being there, about me being in this porn shop looking for gay porn, but they said nothing.

I suggested to my roommate that we should just leave and go to another store as this one was obviously not very good.  As we left, he handed me my pill case that he was holding.  It was empty, but the cap was missing.  I saw it lying on the ground and picked it up. 

Another case of mine fell to the ground and my red pill (the one a day multi-vitamin) fell to the ground.  I started to realize I was in a dream and no matter what I did at this point, I’d never be able to fully grab all my pills.

Another case was on the ground.  And I woke up.

Written by twotwentyeight

June 7, 2008 at 12:31 pm

Posted in Dreams

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