two twenty eight

the journal of a positive person

Archive for the ‘Relationship’ Category

Asking For Something (I Can’t)

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In being a bit cryptic, I want something.  And I feel, basically, like I can’t ask for it.  That I don’t deserve it.  And because I already know the answer and can understand that answer, in fact 100% respect that answer, it doesn’t make it any easier to believe that the need or desire for this something will lessen.

It’s begun to seep into me a bit and I’m trying to work through it before bringing it up.  Or talking about it with respectable parties.  There are so many good things in my life right now.  So many positives (no pun needed).  That, I feel a little foolish thinking that I need more.  That my life really wants to be fulfilled even more by such an artificial, simple (and dangerous) act.

This past 5 months have been pretty incredible.  And I think I’m one of the luckiest ones to contract HIV.  Not that anyone would be lucky but, I’m healthy, I’ve got good friends, an amazing partner.  I could lose a few pounds off my stomach, but I’m still working out, I’ve got a steady stream of income (for the time being).  I’m doing really well for myself.

In fact, I feel down right perfect.

And then, my brain just wants to ask for more – just one more thing to make things even better.  I realize that I’m just – too needy perhaps.  Or maybe, what I want isn’t that terrible.  Maybe, what I want is natural and it’s just something I’m going to have to deal with.

I once tried to relate my sexuality to Broccoli & Chocolate Cake.  I thought being with a woman was like eating broccoli and being with a guy was like chocolate cake.  Sure, the cake tastes better, but isn’t good for you.  And vice versa.

Of course this was ridiculous logic.

I’m not relating these new needs and desires in the same way.  And, I tend to call myself a fat kid.  I just can’t help myself when it comes to cake.  Although, nowadays, broccoli is just as tasty.  And, I wish that cake just wasn’t completely off my table.

I’m just wondering where I am.  And how far I’ll go.

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Written by twotwentyeight

July 25, 2008 at 9:32 am

Posted in Relationship

Reality Means Reality

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It’s disheartening.  The reality of everyday life.  And when things get stuck in hyper-reality.  It’s hard to remember that things like relationships have feelings.  And there are everyday moments.  People do and don’t get along.  You are still a normal person.  

And you still realize that you can be hurt by someone.  And you push and pull like a rubber band trying to find that right moment.  That right tension of good vs. bad.  And then you realize.  You talk to other people.  Other friends.  And realize, you’re not as awful as you feel.

And then you realize, they feel the same way.  That somehow you’ve become a poison, not just in blood but in personality.  In speech.  You somehow have become someone who is venomous.  And wrong.  Your heart feels heavy.  You feel bad.  And guilty for being – yourself.

And they feel the same way.

You make them feel shitty.  Horrible.  Shitty.  Horrible.  They feel worthless.  How can someone you love be felt so violated.  So used and unwanted.  You’re gifts are showered with undermindedness.  With hidden motive and maliciousness.  You are a bad guy seeping into their happiness.

Even though you are their love.  Their one and only.

You have to cut it loose.  As hard and strong and horrible as it feels.  As much as your heart aches and pains and struggles.  You have to cut it loose.  You have to make yourself feel better – and in the end make them feel better.

And that’s the way of the universe.

And suddenly, reality means reality.  You are just normal.  This is just the regular.  And being positive doesn’t mean anything more than being human.  Or old.  Or young.  Or stupid.  I am.  

 

I am.

Written by twotwentyeight

July 3, 2008 at 12:45 am

Posted in Relationship

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The End

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Today, me and S said goodbye.  I was nasty.  And evil.  And hateful to him for leaving me.  He tried to take the high road, but I didn’t let him. And I lost him.  Forever.

 

I feel completely alone again.

Written by twotwentyeight

May 18, 2008 at 4:17 pm

Posted in Relationship

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S Goes In

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Today, S is getting tested.  He tested before (negative) but now, he’s going to know if being with me has given him – what we now call – high five.  I’m am certain that the choices I made as a younger, more foolish guy, kept me unsafe.  I feel our practices of understanding, safe sex, and logic have and will continue to keep him clean and healthy.

However, there is a moment, where I take breath.  And wonder.  Because, risk is always risk.  If this moment comes.  If – becomes + how I or he should and will act.  

I’m not sure.

Instead, I wait.  And remember that being optimistic is just as important as being rational.  The worst of things are not in results, but in the reaction and consequences of those results.  

Another insecurity I have is – if S is negative.  He now has a clean get away.  An ability to say, I saved myself from disaster and now I can walk away safely.  I doubt this would happen.  There is much strength in our relationship, in our partnership.  But this is a fear.  A hesitation.  A moment to take breath – and wonder.

Is being with me the reward enough to risk your health?

That’s a daunting and rather troubling set of circumstances to be put under, incredibly horrifying and selfish and more than fantastic wonders – I’d rather not deal with.  Or think about.  I just hope for his health.  For his safety, for his happiness.

Between us, we say.  ODAT.  One Day At a Time.

And that’s the best fucking advice, I’ve got.

Written by twotwentyeight

April 23, 2008 at 9:11 am

Posted in Relationship

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Taking The Future (with the Present)

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As things stand now, I’m pretty healthy.  I’ve finished taking all my medications, now I’m down to my single pill a day (well, I take another one for preventing pneumonia & I take a daily multi-vitamin), but it’s just once a day that I have to think about – taking pills.

And the pneumonia pill should go away once my CD4 count goes up a meager 66 points.  

Besides that, I feel asymptomatic.  I have a cold sore, no big deal (just kind of gross and annoying).  My throat feels – great.  My tongue – red and pink and wonderful.  My teeth, never felt cleaner.  Friends I haven’t seen in a while come up to me and tell me how fit I look.  Not trim.  But fit.  

The gym is working out.  

My side effects have practically dissipated.  I do have to follow the rules: no food after 9, pill at 11.  I try to make that a habit.  It’s not a hard one to follow.  It’s now a part of my life.  

This weekend, I was creative again.  I shot some footage, I made myself feel – normal.  Things are falling into normalcy.  Last night, I was faced with the future.  S is contemplating his future.  And the risk he puts himself in by being with me.  

By being intimate.  

We always play safe.  And we don’t even go near things that even remotely sound – unsafe.  We don’t kiss, intimately.  And definitely nothing further than that.  We’ve enjoyed our time – but the tension grows between us to further it…

I love my boy.  My friend.  And my partner.  I want nothing but happiness for him.  But I feel that maybe, we’re looking too far into the future.  Does a relationship like this really sustain itself?  He is a few years younger than me and feels like he wants to cherish his health, his youth.  

He doesn’t want to feel like his putting himself at risk.

Even though, the ways we play and will continue to play will, in my opinion, be safer than driving your car.  “I have to drive my car…” he says.  You’re right.  Risk is a strange thing.  You’re more likely to die in your car than a plane.  

But aren’t more people afraid to fly than drive?

How do you change a perspective from fear to logic?  And, as we discussed last night, is it even a bad thing?  Is it really that big a deal that people are scared to fly?  Or scared of a spider bite?  Or dying of AIDS?  Isn’t it our nature to fear things.

Even with knowledge.  

He knows he could get into an accident.  Break bones.  Paralyze himself.  He knows there is a rare, 1 in millions chance, that he could contract HIV through french kissing.  But to this day, we drive but don’t kiss. And there’s nothing I can do but be patient and grateful.  Eternally grateful that I have a caring, wonderful, beautiful human to call on.  To hold onto.  To call my friend.  My partner.

Intimacy comes in waves.  And now, I play in the shallow waters.  The waves don’t go to high.  A sprinkle.  A dash.  We may float out into the sea but that’s not something I really have to worry about now.  For now, the fresh water against my knees is wonderful.

And I believe things are ever changing.

Written by twotwentyeight

April 14, 2008 at 11:51 am

Posted in Being Scared, Relationship

Tagged with , ,

i am thirteen again

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The world is reversing. Today, I woke up. I was wet. I wet the bed. I was thirteen again. S woke up next to me. Supportive. Beautiful. I cried. “What the fuck is going on?” My body is reacting – stressed. Unhealthy. I used to be so proud of my body. My body was such a temple. I treated it with such disrespect. Such candor. As if – yeah, whatever, it’ll always be there.

And now, it feels sick. My machine. My little wonderful heart and lungs. My skin. My organs. I shook when I heard those numbers. Those awful, terrible and horrible creatures of 6. So many fucking zeros. I sneezed and blood came out. My allergies were acting up. At least what I think was allergies. The dry air of Los Angeles, caused my bloody nose and when I started to cry, heavy crying – it sort of loosened that blood.

Freaking me out.

The apocalypse. Things are sometimes holy fuck frightening. After cleaning up. S gave me a haircut. We went out to a private brunch. We went to Six Flags and things felt better. The universe is flipping. And I’m not sure I’m oriented anyway that makes sense.

I’m just grateful for S. The strength in my current madness.

Written by twotwentyeight

March 23, 2008 at 10:56 pm

he’s back

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S got back last night.  We spent the night together.  At first it was nice.  Warm.  Inviting.  Things weren’t too bad.  Of course, weird.  Strange.  Uncomfortable.  But at least – working forward.  And then, we fell asleep.  At least, he did.  I stayed awake.  Almost most of the night.  And then every once in a while, he woke up.  He told me, “I had bad dreams.”

We held each other in the beginning of the night and by morning, it was as if we shouldn’t touch each other.  Fear crept in bed that night.  Something, I’m afraid of.  Can I blame him?  This was my mistake.  My fault for getting it.  There’s no reason for me to ask him to take this journey with him.  He seems to be OK with it.  But there’s this sinking feeling in my gut.  That the truth.  The thoughts behind his eyes are stronger, deeper and more disconcerting than I’d like.

And that we’re going to fail.

I don’t want to rush anything.  I can’t make any rash decisions but there is a fear growing.  And it’s silent.  And uneven.  Here and there.  Today, I did nothing.  I slept on the couch, listening to the news.  I waited for S to be finished.  A big and fun and wonderful dinner that I had plans for was canceled.  Results of my lab tests didn’t come in.   And now I’m waiting for S to call.  I assume he’s just hanging out.  Visiting with friends.

And my insecurities tell me that he’s avoiding hanging out.  There’s fear inside him.  And not having to hang out.  Not being around me, doesn’t remind him that I’m sick inside.

This makes me incredibly and horribly sad. There’s nothing I can do – because there’s no evidence that I’m right.  I’m just being paranoid.  I’m allowing fear to tear us apart.  And frankly, this could only be my burden.  I’m not sure.

And that scares me.

Written by twotwentyeight

March 19, 2008 at 6:47 pm