two twenty eight

the journal of a positive person

Archive for March 19th, 2008

he’s back

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S got back last night.  We spent the night together.  At first it was nice.  Warm.  Inviting.  Things weren’t too bad.  Of course, weird.  Strange.  Uncomfortable.  But at least – working forward.  And then, we fell asleep.  At least, he did.  I stayed awake.  Almost most of the night.  And then every once in a while, he woke up.  He told me, “I had bad dreams.”

We held each other in the beginning of the night and by morning, it was as if we shouldn’t touch each other.  Fear crept in bed that night.  Something, I’m afraid of.  Can I blame him?  This was my mistake.  My fault for getting it.  There’s no reason for me to ask him to take this journey with him.  He seems to be OK with it.  But there’s this sinking feeling in my gut.  That the truth.  The thoughts behind his eyes are stronger, deeper and more disconcerting than I’d like.

And that we’re going to fail.

I don’t want to rush anything.  I can’t make any rash decisions but there is a fear growing.  And it’s silent.  And uneven.  Here and there.  Today, I did nothing.  I slept on the couch, listening to the news.  I waited for S to be finished.  A big and fun and wonderful dinner that I had plans for was canceled.  Results of my lab tests didn’t come in.   And now I’m waiting for S to call.  I assume he’s just hanging out.  Visiting with friends.

And my insecurities tell me that he’s avoiding hanging out.  There’s fear inside him.  And not having to hang out.  Not being around me, doesn’t remind him that I’m sick inside.

This makes me incredibly and horribly sad. There’s nothing I can do – because there’s no evidence that I’m right.  I’m just being paranoid.  I’m allowing fear to tear us apart.  And frankly, this could only be my burden.  I’m not sure.

And that scares me.

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Written by twotwentyeight

March 19, 2008 at 6:47 pm